Daemon Squirrels


The problem really started about ten years ago. We didn’t really know who the culprit was at first. Holes kept appearing in our lawn. We live out in the boonies so we figured it could be anything from moles to prairie dogs to snakes. Then one day I was sitting on the deck on a newly purchased bamboo wood chair. I sipped chardonnay and waited for the sun to set.
The squirrel sat on the branch of an Aspen tree watching me. Cute little thing! I didn’t move, not wanting to frighten it. I was naive back then. It scampered down onto the railing of the deck and froze. Anyone knows you can’t see a squirrel when it doesn’t move! Then it darted across to one of my new chairs and froze again.
How Cute, I’ve made a friend!
Did I say how naive I was back then? The little $%^& then sunk its teeth into the arm of the chair a bit a chunk out. I screamed and it ran away!

Ten years on, and hundreds of dollars spent, we’re still fighting the squirrels with a vengeance. They like to live under our porch…DEEP UNDER! We’ve tried pest control, they controlled nothing. We’ve used concrete, stones, chicken wire. They just dig deeper and they retaliate. Parcels left on our porch are sometimes shredded. Really! Over the past couple of weeks my husband has replaced the wood on our porch, but before doing so, he removed the stones beneath and concreted the whole area. It’s where the little $%^&* like to burrow. The task is almost finished. He removed the lower part of the porch yesterday, exposing dry earth. I called him in for lunch. He wasn’t inside long, maybe fifteen minutes. When he went back out to carry on with his task I heard him yell and went to see what the issue was. Those little $a@t%r@s had dug a while he was eating lunch. The culprit sat across the driveway in the bushes looking at us. My husband was a man possessed for the rest of the day. A bed of thick concrete is under every part of our porch. Today there will be stones on top of it, and then trex decking. I know they’ll be watching him, then tonight they’ll gather in their war room and plan an attack, but Squirrels I’m warning you, you WILL NOT WIN.

Kind of reminds me of a funny skit from Jasper Carrot. It’s about a mole not a squirrel, but the concept is the same.








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