I woke up this morning with anxiety! It’s June 20th.
In less than two months I’ll walk through the front door of my home for the last time. My home of over 20 years! In less than three months I’ll leave my job and board a plane, leaving the country I’ve lived in for over 25 years.
Can’t deny my blood pressure and stress level are pretty high right now.
I’ve done this before, why is it so stressful this time?
Maybe because I’m retiring too!
Also because my daughter will not be coming with me. She’s grown up and married with a life of her own. She’ll aways need me, I’m her mum, but I’ll always be there for her. It will just take me a little longer to be by her side.
This old house is empty.
My treasures, the things I can’t live without, are on a ship bound for Naples.
My memories are in my heart.
My daughter will visit and enjoy her new retreat in the beautiful green countryside of Abruzzo.
I’m just having a misty moment.
It will pass.
Sixty three, I say it to my self often, and in awe that I reached this age. I survived three day open air rock concerts, and all that went with them. I survived motorcycle accidents, car crashes, life in general and here I am still.
I work pretty hard, and write, and have hobbies and interests, but now, instead of having the energy to run with them all, I need to choose. Weekends used to be a time of fun, but now they are a time of errands, chores and recuperating after a busy work week.
In my head I’m still 25, but my body disagrees.
Waking up to the early mists that sometimes blanket the hilltop villages of Abruzzo is tempting. The sun comes up and burns them away, making a perfect beach day.
Yes I lived to reach 63 years old! I read the news and all that is happening in the world. I’m not afraid of Coronavirus, but it makes me realize we’re all vulnerable. How much longer do I have to enjoy retirement?
Sometimes you have to tie up the loose ends to continue with your life, especially when its taking a new direction.
In many cases the loose ends are just in your head, dangling around in your brain, making the place untidy. I had a lot of those, and they were making me undecided and confused.
Over the last couple of months I’ve been able to tie them. None were visual or earth shattering, but they are tied, finished, and no longer causing me angst. Now I can look forward and see a clear picture of my future without barriers of unfinished business.
Look inside yourself at what is preventing you from being happy, and tidy up those loose ends. You won’t regret it.
Do we all have this constant battle? I know I do, you make a decision because it feels right, then your head says “No, wait!”
Oh my goodness, you can go around in circle for hours, days, weeks!
As I get older I let my heart win a little more, I feel as though I have less to lose. I’ve refrained from things that just don’t make logical sense, even if they feel right, not all of the time but probably 75%.
We moved to the US from England because it felt right, that was a biggie. Raising a child in a country we didn’t know so well. It worked out well, there were battles, but we have a strong, confident, successful daughter.
I didn’t quit work to be a full time author because my brain stopped me.
“You need to stay at work and earn money, keep your health insurance, save for your future.” I’m not sure if that was the right decision or not, but I don’t think I suffered from it.
Now I need to work on doing things my heart tells me to do. It’s telling me I should retire before my health suffers, it’s also telling me that the altitude of living in Colorado isn’t good for me. So I’m listening. In the not too distant future I’m retiring to Italy with my husband. We’ll enjoy the oxygen of living at sea level and the tranquility of village life. Good food, good wine and good folks.
Now my brain still struggles because my daughter lives in Colorado, but my heart knows she’s married to a good man and doesn’t need me anymore.
Maybe for once in my life my heart and brain are working together.
Oh dear me! I’m tired, exhausted, I need some ENERGY!
It’s February and cold.
Not much daylight, and yes, I am getting old.
I rise at 5:15 am and stretch, not sure I’d get through the day without stretching those limbs. I lift light weights fifteen minutes and use the step machine for a little while too.
Then its shower, coffee, yoghurt, granola and off to work!
The day is a blur of calls, meetings, invoices…….you know, I think thats the problem. I feel fine in the morning, but that thing called work is sapping my energy.
I think I need to give it up!
Do you find it hard to relax? I do! We go on vacation and unwind, but why can’t we do that at home? Life is way too short to keep up the crazy pace we set for ourselves.
When did sleep become such a rare commodity? When I got old I suppose!
I remember the days I could sleep until noon. Saturday nights at a night club, Sunday mornings in bed, woken up by the smell of mum’s Sunday roast cooking in the oven. Those were the days.
Now, if I’m lucky enough to get to sleep within an hour of going to bed. I’m awake at 4:00 AM and gremlins crawl into my brain. They wake up my stress areas and make me think about things I don’t want to.
In 1962 I lived with my mum in a small farm cottage in Summerhouse, county Durham. We were poor. The cottage came with the job, along with a meagre wage. Bacon was a luxury, and usually given to us by the farm mum worked for. End pieces that didn’t sell! It was delicious. Mum made it last. When the bacon was gone, she’d save the fat and many days I went to school after a breakfast of stale bread dipped into bacon fat. I didn’t complain, I LOVED it.
When I cook bacon now, I look at the fat left in the pan, and remember.
Mum, wish you were still here!
I’m sixty-one, where did the years go?
There were things I used to do that I can’t anymore.
I can’t stay awake late!
I can’t sleep through the night!
There are many things I don’t have to worry about.
Like the pain of getting my bikini line waxed.
Don’t do that anymore!
I don’t have to worry about making myself look good for the young men at work.
They don’t care!
I do have a better friendship with them though.
They look after this old girl!
I don’t worry about my figure so much.
You can’t fight gravity.
No need to worry about the latest fashions.
Walking became easier.
Why?
No more heels!
Don’t have to worry about getting my bottom pinched in Italy anymore.
Or getting hit on at the bar.
An old guy at the bar did take a shine to me a couple of years ago.
Sent me a fried pickle???
Didn’t eat it!
Getting old isn’t all bad, you just have to embrace it, and remember its better than what comes next. Won’t be able to blog about that!!!!!
Oh what a life! We are born, hit our teens and become emotional time bombs.
We get married, have kids (everyone’s emotions explode). The kids go to college, get married and then there is this weird void!
I feel like I’ve been emotionally paralyzed for a while. Yes, I have feelings and cry occasionally, but controlled tears.
All of a sudden, the floodgates have opened again and tears are flowing at the slightest thing. It started on Wednesday evening at the Cyndi Lauper/Rod Stewart Concert. Cyndi was a powerful performer, funny, cute and sang with a vengeance.
But when Rod Stewart took the stage my heart became open and vulnerable. Three songs into his show the tears started to stream down my face. It was the same old Rod from the seventies. The one I saw at a Rock Festival in Reading.
Was I crying because I remembered I was once young? No, I think I was crying from sheer pleasure. I remembered my life and all I’ve done. All I’m still doing. Maybe I remembered how lucky I am and cried tears of happiness. Who knows, but I’m grateful!
